Lavender Retrievers · Duelist
Maple “GoldenHour”
Known for impeccable aim and an irrepressible belief that the enemy team would like to be friends. Signature move: the Fetch-and-Flank.
LESBIAN DOG E-SPORTS
We Refuse to Be Benched.
The stakes are high. The paws are steady. The headset has been adjusted six times. Welcome to the Lesbian Dog Competitive League.
AUTUMN SPLIT 2026 · FICTIONAL STANDINGS
The leaderboard.
| Rank | Team | W | L | PTS |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 01 | Lavender Retrievers | 12 | 2 | 36 |
| 02 | The U-Haul Huskies | 11 | 3 | 33 |
| 03 | Team Good Girls | 9 | 5 | 27 |
| 04 | The Rainbow Rottweilers | 8 | 6 | 24 |
| 05 | Sapphic Sniffers Gaming | 6 | 8 | 18 |
All teams, results, and competitive statistics are invented for this parody.
UPCOMING FICTIONAL TOURNAMENT
The Last Fetch Invitational.
November 14–15, 2026 · The International Lobby
Five teams. One trophy. A ceremonial ball that nobody is allowed to bite. The emergency exhibition brings our community together in a defiant celebration of competitive belonging.
No tickets, entry fees, or real event registration. The imaginary broadcast will begin once Peanut finds the HDMI cable.
Stand with our playersTHE DOGS BEHIND THE USERNAMES
Players worth believing in.
The U-Haul Huskies · Team Captain
Nova “MoveInReady”
Calls every rotation before it happens. Moved in with her duo after one scrim. Has already labelled the shared biscuit containers.
Team Good Girls · Support
Clementine “PawAndOrder”
A defensive mastermind with a very low centre of gravity. Her shield timing is legendary. Her legs are not relevant to this discussion.
RIVALRIES THAT DEFINE THE GAME
The Lavender–U-Haul Derby.
The Retrievers call it a tactical rivalry. The Huskies call it unfinished business. The league’s safeguarding officer calls it “please stop making eye contact across the stage”. After three consecutive overtime finals, this matchup has become the defining spectacle of the season. Both captains insist that they are just rivals. Both have matching water bowls.
Team Good Girls
Captain: Clementine “PawAndOrder”
Support mains. Emotionally devastating defence.
The Rainbow Rottweilers
Captain: Roxy “BarkTank”
Fearless frontline. Surprisingly tender comms.
Sapphic Sniffers Gaming
Captain: Pepper “SniffDiff”
Elite tracking. Investigates every corner.
THERE IS A PLACE FOR YOU HERE
Good dogs. Great company.
Become an honorary member. No fees. No pedigree required.